Do you ever "like" a song and then one day you really listen and the song hits you hard? You grab your jewel case to double check that you actually heard the lyrics correctly? You know the lyrics but this time around they sound different. Very, very, different. One afternoon, two years ago, I popped in my Les Mis CD longing for a (major) music distraction and a physical switch went off in my head as I really heard the infamous song ~ "I Dreamed A Dream." I totally get "this hell I'm living" lyrics.
When life hits you hard. When the "unthinkable" knocks on your door step and turns your whole world inside out and upside down. Unthinkable events that would never in a million years, (or trillion years), happen to you. You hear about such things but you are busy (very busy) living your life. And then one day, in an instant, in one phone call, everything changes. You are left learning how to pick up your heart that has been shattered into a million little pieces. You instinctively know that your heart will NEVER be the same. A precious piece of you dies with the loss of a child.
Unspeakable, unbelievable pain overwhelms you and over fills you. Hot burning coals of grief consumes you. The pain is never far away, if ever. Grief is toxic and you are frozen in time. Time marches on but your life stands still. Burying children is the utmost hell on earth. As it should be. Our children are gone from our sight. Their future (which parents live for) is blown up with a death certificate. Depression is debilitating and grief is hard work. I've been "thinking" about blogging for almost 5 years. It takes forever a very long time to get anything done. What's the rush, huh, when you are taking a long look at hell?
"One Day More" spoke to me too. "My place is here I fight with you...One Day More..." My faith requires me to believe I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. And, fight the good fight. Hope means I do not give up and is sprinkled ever so lightly on this journey through the badlands. I'm at a fork in the road. Sitting on the fence post of life. Not wanting to die, per se, but not wanting to live either. I can feel my body wants to "move." But, I exist. I take up time and space. My brain is very much aware of how I am rationalizing my existence. I am hurting. A grieving mother. I want my old life back. I want to go back to worrying about things that just do not matter. Running amuck. My body fiercely fights for what I once knew and had. Two beautiful, living, daughters. Her death will never be "ok" and I will never forget her but I also know my life on earth will pass way too quickly. I don't want to die with regrets that I did not live....even if!King David said "he was confident that he would see goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." This is the first Bible verse that spoke to me two years ago when I first revisited getting back in the Word of God after her death. Never once in my Christian walk did I "think" my faith would be tested to the brinking point of giving up. During these times I am in the apostles camp looking to Jesus.....
"Lord, increase our faith!" Amen.
♥ One More Day...One Day More! ♥
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